I assume all converts have felt it, even if they can’t consciously identify what it is – the compulsion to prove that you are really a Muslim. For some, it is very obvious: Latinos/Whiteamericans/Blackamericans/etc. dressed like they are from Saudi Arabia. For others, it is a little more subtle: an obsessive desire to study Arabic and fiqh. In truth, there is nothing inherently wrong with this sort of behavior; conversion is a tricky journey, and we can’t all be “grounded” and “balanced.” But I have come to understand that it is a phase, at least for me.
I am no longer a convert. I am a Muslim. I am a member of the global ummah of Muhammad, may God send him blessings and peace. I am an eternal servant of God, struggling to uncover the reality of his eternal servitude, called svarupa in Sanskrit. And I am no longer interested in trying to prove that I am authentic, to myself, to other Muslims, and to skeptical white people. There is part of me that wants to share with you a list of all the reasons that I am legit, but that would just reinforce the idea that I need to prove myself. It is a spiritual sickness.
I want to move on to new things. I have always loved studying Hinduism, and I want to really get back into that. I have been doing it since Hajj, and it has been really wonderful. It almost feels like I have permission to study something of non-Islamic provenance because I went on Hajj twice. What a weird idea! Obviously, this means I have less time to study fiqh, hadith, Arabic, etc., but to be perfectly honest, I am kinda’ burned out on that. Much of it feels repetitive, stilted, or irrelevant. I’d rather study Hindi, Bengali or Sanskrit right now than work on my Arabic.
Most Muslims that I know haven’t studied a quarter of what I have studied, and yet, there is still this part of me that thinks I need to be studying Islamic Studies day and night in order to be a good servant of God. Not that this is inherently a bad thing, and may God preserve those who do so, and benefit us through them. But I think there is a point to be made here that is larger than just my own idiosyncratic mental states.
Classical Islamic civilization produced scholars like al-Biruni, who studied Sanskrit and wrote competently about the philosophy of Vedanta. They were rooted in their own “Islamic” perspective, but they were not afraid of the complexity of the world. They could encounter new ideas and ways of life without fear that they would lose their faith and practice in the process. The Muslims of 1433 A.H., en masse, have lost that. We are a reactionary and fearful religious community, and that creates a spiritual discourse which smacks of hypocrisy. We are obsessed with quotations in Arabic, and jump on people if they put eternal truths in their own idiom. There are even some Muslims who are so afraid of the Islamic legacy in the Arabic language that they feel the need to re-edit classical books, and be on the constant lookout for that which is suspicious or of foreign origin. May God guide those people, really. It is pathetic, when you really think about it: the reactionary literalism of a dying civilization. If we really have the Universal Truth at our fingertips, then what is there to fear about stock markets, Jay Z, Hindu theology, and whatever else exists in Earth?! We should be able to embrace everything, sift the true from the false, clarify the right from the wrong, and live as confident, spiritual leaders amongst humanity. Otherwise, we are just the chewed up remnants of modernity, divorced from ourselves and excluded from agency.
I need to walk in this direction, because as Amir Sulaiman stated more eloquently than I can, it is sad to pretend you are sick with the diseases of others. Perhaps when I converted, I caught a little bit of this global contagion, but with the medicine of the saints, I’ve returned to myself and need to move on. I’ve got my own issues to work through, and I trust my spiritual advisors to help me improve, if God wills. But I know now that I can no longer live and study and write and preach as if Islam is in jeopardy in any way. If Islam is the path of submission to the All-Powerful (al-Qadir), then to worry about the health of the path is to assume that you have a power to protect it that God does not have, which is a textbook example of shirk.
Islam is about uncovering who we are: servants of God. It is not a tribe, nor a system, nor an ideology, nor a unified political entity. It is a way of looking at the universe, it is a way of living and dying, it is about seriously listening to the One who is All-Hearing, All-Seeing. It is something we have always known, deep in our hearts, and it is about all of our dreams and hopes for the future. Conversion is about outward forms – I am interested in the realities that make those forms even worth caring about.
MashAllah, very well said! As a revert, I can relate. I think that a lot of the time, the behavior of the recently reverted/converted is more reactionary than anything else.
I recall people trying to pigeonhole me into their ideas of what a “Muslim” should be. They wanted me to embody some ideal that either did not exist, or could not exist within me. Mostly, their ideals were culturally based, and not Islamic (which was the reason why they could not exist within me!).
Alhamdulilah, I had a (very) strong personality (or just shear hard headedness!), and was able to resist much of the indoctrination attempts. When people told me that I should first study Arabic (rather than Urdu, the language that I was interested in), I simply smiled and went about my business. When people tried to suggest the order in which I should study things, I again simply smiled and went on with what I was doing.
As for studying things that are outside of Islam, this is where the double standards come in. I have noticed that a person who is born to Muslim parents seems to have “more rights” to study those philosophies and world views that are not Islamic in origin (but not necessarily un-Islamic!), whereas a revert/convert gets told that there is “great danger” in doing so. It’s as if our intelligence and religious convictions are always doubted.
Every time my husband (who is not a revert) and I listen to Hamza Yusuf lectures, we are always impressed with how much he knows of the broader world view and how he applies those teachings and views with what he is discussing. It is refreshing, and a good reminder that we do not have to stay only within the confines of “Quran and Sunnah” (as a certain group of Muslims always chant) in order to benefit and grow as humans.
There is knowledge to be had everywhere. And we should glean it when we can.
Jazak Allah khair for your wonderful post!
I LOVE your message. It helped me to see something. If we are truly submitted to God and God’s will, we will not become obsessed with how Muslim we are. We will submit our Islam to God and let God make us into the Muslim God wants us to be. We will also stop judging and let God make others the Muslims God wants them to be.
The Prophet, peace be upon him, was told by God that he was sent as a Mercy to mankind. He wasn’t sent to make us into who he wanted us to be, but who God wants us to be. And only God can see inside the hearts of all creation. Only God knows who is and isn’t Muslim or Jew or pagan or UU.
And I’m tired of Muslims who make everyone else the enemy because they are so obsessed with being what Baba Ali calls the “haram police”. Let’s just get back to loving God and being servants of God whose hearts are open walking the earth harmoniously.
May Muslims be messengers who share Islam’s messages of mercy with all creation.
Thanks for this Dave…
Salaam,
This is wonderful, and I thank you for sharing. It is what many of us feel. Any chance that I can reprint this on The American Muslim site at http://www.theamericanmuslim.org
Please let me know.
I am going on my 15th year as a Muslim and I identify with a lot of what you write here. A commonality many of us American converts have, whatever our ethno-racial background, is xenomania. I must say it is only the kooky white convert ladies who go off and become Sanskritists and study Hinduism once they are more settled as Muslims, so you are fulfilling a stereotype, LOL. I say this tongue in cheek but a little seriously. Just an observation. Do these quirky features negate our Islam? Why is this such a threat? How wonderful to see these desires to seek and search as following in the foots steps of Al Beruni. And God forbid any of us find truths from our own particular non-Muslim birth cultures! Excellent piece you have written here, mashallah. I will be sharing.
salaam,
I tried for maybe a year to put aside my obsession with Hindi and learn Arabic after I converted. I spent months trying to put all of those Bollywood songs out of my head and instead memorize surahs from the Qur’an. And even though I spent the majority of my life singing, I tried not to.
I couldn’t do it, either. So I’m back in a relationship with Hindi. Sorry, Arabic. I wanted to like you, lekin hindi mera pehla pyaar hai (but Hindi is my first love) and I’m tired of feeling like an unfaithful spouse.
And really, studying Hindi is appropriate, because the years of Moghul influence helped create that language. There’s Turkish and Arabic and Farsi words in it. So it’s almost like Hindi is a convert, too.
And maybe that’s why we’re soooooo close, Hindi and me. Because Islam changed us – lent us its color, if you will – but we’re still true to ourselves.
Sigh…..
Agreed 100%. Studying other philosophies, religions and traditions will only make you a better Muslim. I’ve been learning about Zen Buddhism. Many similarities to Islam. I encourage all of you to learn about the west African Islamic traditions and culture. West Africa is highly underrated when it comes to classical Islamic scholarship. It helps to know a little French.
Just watch out for Scientologists. They are a vile cult/business that is heavily working on Muslims.
To my dear Jo,
I found your comment, along with others here fascinating. As a Pakistani American Muslim born into a Muslim family, raised my entire life in the U.S., I had no idea that there was such a fascination with Hindi and the Hindu culture among American (primarily white?) converts/reverts to Islam. I would suggest, with all due respect that Urdu, which is basically the mirror language to Hindi, would offer more of a taste of the Turkish, Arabic, Farsi and even French influences on the Indian civilization, than Hindi would.
As for the general topic of interest in Hindi and Hinduism among converts, it’s interesting, and it offers more of a window into those “travelers” than the Hindu culture itself. I do believe that there is much wisdom to be gained from all cultures all over the world, and I am huge fan of North Indian and Pakistani classical music. I acknowledge my ethnic / linguistic heritage to South and Central Asia at large, but the reality of the social, political and religious history of the Indian Subcontinent through modern times allows me a very different perspective of the Hindu civilization.
Jazak Allah khair. Thank you for this. I am a Muslimah and a world religions teacher and I am embarking on a project to find the Islam in the Bhagavad Gita. I love whst you wrote, in many ways because I think we converts enjoy the knowing that there are other Muslims like us; that we are a part of the ummah; our own special part. And the more we find in common, the more our growth in the faith can be.
Peace and blessings be with you. Thanks for letting Sheila Musaji post this article in “The American Muslim”. I find in you a kindred spirit.
Where I perhaps differ slightly is that I seem to find it necessary to explain how it is that I claim to be “muslim in spirit, but not in letter”. My spiritual journey began with Evangelical Christianity, and then developed through “Eastern Reiigions” and “New Age” philosophy. I began ‘investigating’ Islam a couple of years ago as a result of one of those “Islam bashing” e-mails which circulate the Internet – I decided to actually check to see whether or not the evil accusations were true. Of course, they were not.
But one of my all time favorite books throughout my spiritual journey was “Autobiography of a Yogi” by Paramahansa Yogananda. And one of the reasons why I can’t can’t claim to be “fully” Muslim is that I have embraced without reservation the “Eastern” concept of reincarnation and karma. Nevertheless, I was always ‘uncomfortable’ – to put it mildly – with the references to ‘gods’ and ‘goddesses’, even realizing that the intelligent Hindu considers them metaphors for different ‘aspects’ of the One.
So I only half jokingly say I am a Muslim – Hindu – Buddhist – Jewish – Christian.
These days there’s a much greater emphasis on the “Muslim” part of the phrase, though; and I spend most of my time reading at Muslim web sites and reading/meditating on the Qur’an.
Again, thanks for the article. I’ve bookmarked your site now.
Salaams,
Thanks for sharing these stimulating reflections. Despite my Northern European forebears, I was raised Muslim, but I can definitely relate to so many of these laments and this desire to escape all the arbitrary (and subtly ethnocentric) expectations that get foisted on new Muslims in the name of Islam. I think that in most circumstances the relevance of the notion naturally wanes over the years as one gains knowledge and one’s life experiences increasingly converge with those of “born” Muslims. Similarly, I think that the concept applies to some “born” Muslims in the Western diaspora, as well. The latter may not have converted, but they have similar cultural backgrounds and those with a less sure sense of their own religious identity for whatever reason go through some analogous stages of personal development, I think.
@Mystic444: It was M. K. Gandhi who said, “I’m a Muslim and a Hindu and a Christian and a Jew, so are all of you…” to Hindu protestors outside his home as they chanted, “Death to Jinna! Death to Muslims!”. He went on to say,”For God’s sake, STOP IT!”
I often say these words when I am asked my religion. I took my shahada over a decade ago. Autobiography of a Yogi and the lessons of Yogananda make me a far better Muslim. Like the author of this blog, the study of comparative religion informs our Islam.
Dawud… back to Arabic!
Bismillah.
Dear A Mercy Case,
Your piece got me thinking in many different directions. The sincerity in your words moved me. I could relate to and agree with many of the things you said, but some of the undertones troubled me. Certainly, as converts we go through various phases, although I think I was spared of the need to “prove” that I was a Muslim, alhamdulillah. I never doubted that in myself or felt that others doubted it. Even after 26 years of being Muslim, I still identify with being a convert. I was once a person with a different world view and Allah guided me to His straight path. That was a moment that I will forever cherish. I never felt there was a difference between the two as when you said, “I am no longer a convert. I am a Muslim.” As if they were two different identities. That is an odd concept to me. Your last sentence said, “Conversion is about outward forms.” True, I looked different after I became a Muslim, but the real conversion is what happened inside of me, so I’ll have to disagree with that statement.
I think identity is a major issue for Muslims today. Even though Islam is a universal way of life and applicable for all ages, people can’t help but try to identify with Islam through their own cultures, which just makes getting to know Muslims all that much more interesting. The fact is though, that the language of the Qur’an is Arabic and the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was an Arab, so it’s kind of hard to avoid Arab culture completely.
The best thing I ever did was to study Arabic, the language of the Qur’an. Understanding and becoming fluent in Arabic has been the greatest blessing in my life after embracing Islam. Being able to understand those words in their original form has enriched my Islamic experience in a way that I feel sad for those millions of Muslims who don’t have that skill. I don’t mean that this is a measure of how “Muslim” one is. That’s for Allah to judge and I know there are millions of non-Arabic speaking Muslims at a much higher level of imaan than I, partly just because they are Believers in spite of not knowing the language. I just mean that I feel it is such a blessing that I wish all Muslims could experience.
I felt sad when you said “… I have less time to study fiqh, hadith, Arabic, etc., but to be perfectly honest, I am kinda’ burned out on that. Much of it feels repetitive, stilted, or irrelevant.” Certainly, no one should limit himself to these subjects unless he’s working on a degree, studying to be an imam, or just free to do so and eager for such knowledge. Personally, I would love to have more time for such subjects. I fear that by your making such a comment, new Muslims or those who are just developing a renewed interest in their faith would be turned away and lose their enthusiasm. Your analysis of “the reactionary literalism of a dying civilization” is also misleading. We should not be criticizing the narrow interpretations some of our brothers make of our faith by going the opposite direction and over-generalizing. We need to unite, work with, and accept each others’ idiosyncrasies, not react to radicalism with radicalism. There are universal truths in all religions and much to be gained from all cultures, but I also hope that Islam maintains its distinct identity and doesn’t get lost in a blur of Muslim – Hindu – Buddhist – Jewish – Christian commonalities.
Finally, you state, “If Islam is the path of submission to the All-Powerful (al-Qadir), then to worry about the health of the path is to assume that you have a power to protect it that God does not have, which is a textbook example of shirk.” I think you may have made a fatwa that is bigger than yourself. Allah has promised to protect His Book, and Islam will persevere whether we work at it or not. But that does not relieve us of the responsibility to present Islam in the best possible light. Islam and Muslims are being bashed from all sides in this day and age. We must make sure the Path is kept free of debris and stumbling blocks so that others may see the beauty that lines it and will want to take that path.
Wow, Dave, that was so well stated, and with great commentary from others. I have noticed myself evolve to that point as well. As many people here have said, I went through the “fitting in” phase that most of us blessed to find Islam go through. It took a number of years to realize that much of what I was trying to fit into was cultural and not Islamic in nature. To me, Islam is not about outwardly showing the world you are “Muslim,” it is about being one. I now accept myself for who I am and may Allah be pleased with who I am and who I will become. Somehow, not being fluent in Arabic, studying Islam every day, etc. made me feel like I wasn’t a “real” Muslim. Others have also judged me and made me feel like I was somehow not there yet. Well, guess what? I am a Muslim.
Islam is in your heart, your soul, your mind – all of your being. I have always been part of God’s universe, but have not always let Him into my tiny and closed one. Since He led me to Islam, I acknowledge Him more than I ever have before. My practice may be lacking, my knowledge should be greater… but I live, think and breathe God in my life and decisions more and more every day. Somehow (maybe this is weird), becoming a Muslim has amplified my conscience! My awareness that Allah knows and sees all is greater every day and I am so thankful for that.
I may not be a perfect and shining example, but it is up to me to change that and grow closer to that throughout my life (inshAllah). It is not something I can snap my fingers and become, nor would it be as meaningful if I could. It’s the journey that teaches us and slowly evolves us (hopefully) into a better version of ourselves. Sometimes I think we focus so tightly on the rituals and what we think we should be doing (reading, studying) that we lose sight of actually feeling it and living it. Knowledge comes not only from absorption of facts or history, it is a personalized process – I believe it comes from the teachings of others, from our experiences and interactions, and from our emotional, physical and spiritual states. We just have to be open and it will come. I think that your interest in other religions/cultures/languages is great and will make you a better rounded person (and imam) and better able to communicate and share with people of this world.
To the sister Lucinda who posted above, I will not respond to all of your comments, but one that interests me is “The fact is though, that the language of the Qur’an is Arabic and the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was an Arab, so it’s kind of hard to avoid Arab culture completely.” The two facts I agree with are that the Qur’an is written in Arabic and that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was an Arab. It is my belief that Arab culture has nothing to do with Islam. Many Arabs are not Muslims and I believe that only 15% or so of all Muslims are Arabs. All three of the monotheistic religions evolved in that part of the world. In the US, there is a strong association made between Arab culture and Islam, but that does not mean it is valid. (We once associated all black people with the devil and thought them only worthy of being slaves too.) I believe this stems in part from the fact that most of the original Muslim communities that settled throughout this country, particularly on the East coast, were originally from Arab countries. I was driving by the Oasis Grill in Providence and realized that most halal restaurants in RI serve kebabs. Silly observation, but that is the cultural influence, not the religion!
Dear Sister Karen,
AsSalaamu alaykum. Maybe I should have elaborated. I didn’t mean to imply that Islam and Arab culture are necessarily intertwined. Islam is not linked to any particular culture because it is a universal message and way of life. But Arab culture is greatly, though not exclusively, shaped by the presence of Islam in its lands. So when we study Islam and the language of the Qur’an (Arabic), we more likely than not come across elements of Arab culture, hopefully the better aspects of it which were shaped by Islam. Anyone who attends a highly diversified masjid in the US, or better yet goes for Hajj, will feel the universality of Islam and know that Islam is definitely not one and the same with Arab culture.
Allah Knows Best.
AsSalamu alaikum dear all,
In spite of the fact that I was born as a Muslim, I’ve always been inspired by the rich insights of my “revert” sisters and brothers. Thank you all for the educational and beautiful dialog here. I find the argument of my beloved sister, Lucinda, whom I have known for more than 20 years, to be so crucial. I would add one little idea: being a strong believer in Islam will never mean to be closed and fearful from learning about other religions and ideologies. In fact, I just learned that during the prosperous ages of the Islamic civilization, free exchange of ideas and dialog among opposing perspectives was a prevalent characteristic. There was no fear of exploring even the most opponent ideologies to Islam. I think that this collective confidence have declined in later ages, and thus caused that kind of inclusiveness and reluctance to interact with different perspectives, is largely due to the weak and subordinate stance of the Muslim Ummah in front of the non-Muslim dominating/hegemonic powers.
One last thought, I’ve taught Arabic language in U.S. colleges for almost 5 years. Thus, I can say with confidence that learning and practicing Arabic for a non-Arab Muslim is indispensible. I understand that there might be some obstacles on the way, but for those who have the ability to do so, please don’t deprive yourself from acquiring the language through which you will enjoy reciting the Quran and taste its brilliance.
My pendulum swung way to the right – then came back a little to the left and i believe it has found the center.