Allahumma salli ‘ala sayyidina Muhammad wa aalih wa sallim
I woke up just as I went to bed the night before: longing for my Lord, unsure of what that means. I know that these words I write were decreed in pre-eternity, that my vision is encompassed, that my heart beats inside my chest by means of a Grace Without Limit. God is with me wherever I am – I am because God is. All around me and in me I see my Lord, and yet my heart’s desire is distant. God is a Hidden Benefactor, sending me sweet messages of pleasure and pain, reminding me of the Decree in every breath I take. But I long for more than the gifts and the reflections and the memory.
God controls all the ways that lead to God. I cannot take one step without God’s permission. I can long all I want, shedding tears for decades, but it is not my emotions or thoughts which unlock the doors to ma’iyya. To be with. What does that mean?! I am already with God. There is not a particle of dust that dances in the soft sunlight but that God knows it, God created it, God sustains it, God is “with” it. And that particle will vanish from the record of the world, but I will remain, for all eternity, because God is “with” me. Before time existed, God decreed that I would be forever. Everything I am has always existed in the Knowledge of God, so how could I ever not be with Allah?! These emotions, these thoughts, these words I type – they are not mine. They are God acting in me. God is more “with” me than I am with myself.
But no matter how much my heart begs to “see” God, to “feel” God, to “hear” God, to “know” God in a deeper, more real and intimate way, the occupations of the day will come as a means of forgetting about the pain of longing for a moment. Distraction will take the edge off. God has built these prisons walls for a purpose known in its fullness only by God, so how can I complain about the decision of my Lord?! So I wait, and write these words, a love letter to One who already knows what I am going to say.
What is there left to do but ask God to make my life in this world a perpetual increase in every good, and make my death a relief from every evil, taking shelter in the words of God’s Beloved, the one who distributes this nectar to all arwah.
Ya Mujeeb Ya Mujeeb Ya Mujeeb
I hold onto al-Mustafa’s cloak with all of my might, hoping to catch a ride to sidrat al-muntaha. I did not ask him for permission to tag along. I just grabbed him and wouldn’t let go, leaving aside any thought other than the inextinguishable yearning that makes me abandon all etiquette. Permission was granted the moment he informed humanity that God would be seen just like the full moon.
Allahumma salli ‘ala sayyidina Muhammad wa aalih wa sallim
